To hold a grudge against someone: to harbor continual and persistant resentment or ill feelings toward someone, especially for something they have committed in the past that hurt, wronged us, or we thought did.
I’m sure you’ve been there, we’ve all, and some of us are still struggling. We’ve all because we all were confronted at a moment of our lives to other’s judgment, we’ve all been broken hearted romantically or not, gotten into arguments. We have social lives, thus, occasional fights and misunderstandings because as I said in an article about the Law of Attraction, everybody has an inner battle. That’s just the way life goes, it’s about trial and error, and saying otherwise would just not be realistic.
But here on someek we’re about improvement right? So let me remind you 5 reasons why holding grudges in your twenties won’t ever benefit you…
1) It’s a loss of energy you need for more important things
Our 20’s are time for learning and adventuring, well, I think our entire life is. But, our 20’s period is the first taste we get from what being an independent adult is, at least regarding some of our choices and relationships. When you’re stuck with a grudge against someone, whatever the reason is, you’re wasting a handful of energy you should be putting in things that matter to you. It is really draining to hold resentful feelings, and it brings nothing more than bitterness into your life. For real, keeping this sort of energy, even when you don’t realize it, on holding a grudge, silently or noisily will make you loose your time. That is NOT what we want or need, our time is precious, especially now.
2) Comparison and self-doubt will be your new motto
It’s really hard as Millennials not to compare ourselves already with what we see all over Social Media: #couplegoals #lifegoals #bodygoals#careergoals etc AND the one or two Instagram accounts we creep every now and then wishing for better selfies (hello Instagram baddies). One attitude I observed when holding a grudge against someone were that tendency of comparing ourselves to that person, having feelings of superiority, even pettiness in the worst cases.
This attitude is just a way to hide self-doubt, if you really think about it. As we believe the other is in the wrong, we naturally lean to feel superior, in the good. Truth is, even when someone did hurt you, holding a grudge will only make you doubt yourself, it’s a way of keeping alive uncertainty and a protection shield. We don’t need that on top of our first world Millennial problems, on top of our own issues, right?
3) It’s a sign of poor communication skills
Often, resentment can come from a lack of closure, for exemple not having communicated clearly all your feelings and reasons for being mad when you were given the chance. And if we think about it, it kind of reveals a lack: communication skills. Mind you, there is no perfect way to communicate, but when you had a fight with someone let’s say a friend, and you hold the grudge as if your life depended on it, it may mean you have more to tell them, whether positive or negative.
“When they go low, we go high”
But pride and anger keep you back, preventing you from communicating effectively, then it’s too late. Worse, you know, that friend or acquaintance who you clearly can sense have something against you but won’t ever tell you? That’s poor communication skills as well. Not being able or not wanting to fully articulate oneself is problematic. That might come from resentfulness, fear, personal issues, past traumas or anything related. We live in the age of constant communication, so let’s do better, we’ll be thankful for what we’ve saved later on because honest communication can do so much.
4) You’ll lost touch with who you are
By loosing energy comparing yourself, having hateful or resentful feelings and not communicating properly, you’ll be headed right to antipathy and unforgiveness. You might think they will be geared straight toward the person you’re actually holding a grudge against, but guess what? It’s really at yourself that you gear these feelings. When simply holding a grudge without actually asking yourself why you’ve been hurt that hard, you’re closing yourself to real improvement, to real healing and forgiveness. Why? Because you made the choice to resent outward instead of looking inward, in yourself, what are your core values your friend/lover/parent may have violated and how you can now move through the hurt to progress. But, that is my point, we often have a biased sense of who we are in our 20’s so holding a grudge at the risk of loosing what we call ourself is a no no.
Your sanity, mental and emotional health are more important than anyone’s opinion of yourself, so make the choice to HEAL.
5) It can last a lifetime
When you think you’re at peace, you really are not. Peace is felt not thought. Superficial forgiveness will have you thinking that you are superior because you « moved on », to be honest anything making you feel superior is fake and reveals more about you than you can tell. Don’t get me wrong, there is always a time for processing, for being mad, it may last a few months to years, but you’ll know it’s time to let go when bitterness controls you.
By holding grudges, not only we want to protect our sense of self, stay protected from the wounds we already have, but we also think it’s a way to closure. By keeping our resentment alive we think nothing could get worse, even better, resentment may seem to appear as logical and the way to go, it has you thinking you’re entirely at peace. Let’s not make that mistake, as it can last a lifetime. I’m sure you still feel resentment toward that kid in middle school, that ex, that friend, that parent, analyze it to let it go.